In Bed

 I've spent most of today in bed, buried in brain fog. Like I can't track the conversations happening around me. 

My family is getting rid of Dad's equipment and things, which is tough. But that means a whole ton of people are here, talking. I don't know what they are talking about. 

I fought hard to do math today for my BSN. I am beginning to feel like that might turn out to be a waste of money. I couldn't think straight to understand it. I can't feature doing my fieldwork project of following a BSN or above around. I've got nothing left. 

I've been here before. I have done all I can on my end. Now I just have to wait until this stops. Until the swelling, pain, crushing fatigue, nausea and brain fog goes away. There is no magic pill or supplement. I take so many things I rattle. 

And I feel so alone. So desperately alone. I hate living like this. I hate being useless, having no impact on the world about me, having no work to speak of. I've said I am not available for the time being so at least I am not calling out. 

I just want to work. I want to work and go to school.