Be Less.

 We are selling off Dad. Not really, but it feels like losing him all over again. 

It's been...gosh...four years this Summer since Dad was killed in that accident. 

We changed nothing at first. Everyone wanted us to get rid of his equipment, cars, trucks, tractors...they wanted us to get rid of him.

My father was in those items, somehow. They were the last vestiges of him, you saw them, you saw him. 

I still half expected him to pop his head out from under the hood of a red Ford f-250. Or to be fiddling around with the D8 caterpillars. I expect to smell the scent of ozone from welding, hear the squealing moan of a metal grinder, and the low whirring of the CNC machine.

I don't think others see it that way. Mu sisters have been off the property too long. But for my mother and me, it is seeing him die all over again. It is losing him all over again. Especially the items he loved the most. His D8 cats.

And I'm supposed to be the strong one. Again. Everyone expects me to be the strong one. I don't even know when that mantle was passed to me, but it was.   

My health is suffering. My reader will say, oh, it is just this time. The loss resurfacing. Ah, but this has only happened this week...my health has been not great going on 3 weeks. 

No, my body is rebelling against something. I'm working on my BSN but struggling to work at my job. At least I am per diem, so...terrified of losing my job, but it is partially an availability sort of position. I'd rather say I am unavailable than call out sick. If I take this week off...maybe I will be better next week. I don't know. 

I don't feel well. I am so tired. I can't feature walking to the end of my driveway. I make myself go upstairs and downstairs multiple times a day for no reason other than exercise. I'm trying. 

I don't know. I've tried all I can for now, my only option now is waiting. I'm up on aziothioprine (immune suppression) and I am taking my MCAS meds more religiously, even the supplements that are supposed to help MCAS. My pain is up, my fatigue is up. I look terrible. But they say my iron is normal now. I cried. The last time I had an iron infusion, I felt so much better about a week later, and then it was a slow, steady decline again.

I've had a root canal, to see if the tooth that was always sore and achy had been making me sick. That's only a week out, though, or not even actually. I don't recall how long infected teeth took to improve my health. I have less post nasal drip, and since I am convinced that my upper teeth all drain out my sinuses, maybe that's a good thing. 

I'm scared guys. I'm scared that I will lose my ability again. At least the nausea is less, but the pain and the fatigue...and the brain fog...is just killing me. I'm so disappointed, discouraged, destroyed. 

Go get counseling, they say. Yeah. I did that. Spent 6 months being told I should give up and get back on disability. I'm not sure how that was helpful or supportive. I don't know that I can ever face counseling again. Plus, the counselor didn't deal with crying. So, having already been told to not cry, and now being told not to cry at the counselor's office, I am left being certain that I am nothing but a burden on others. 

I don't want to be. I spend most of my time trying to not share thoughts, feelings, emotions. I try to be less. I truly do. I get tired of being told to share my thoughts, emotions, feelings...and then, when I finally trust enough to do so, I get told to not. Go be less. 

I try to be less. I've tried my whole life to be less. I'm never less enough. I just want to be me and for that to be ok, but it isn't ok. I end up being too much for people. Too much health stuff, too much anxiety, too much depression, too much distress. Too much...me. 

I wish people knew what I have face and lived through. You over explain again and again because you try to make your reactions make sense to others, and it just annoys them worse than if you said nothing at all---and had the odd behavior.

Silence is safer. Silence and less. That's how I ended up in such an abusive marriage. I was told to be silent. Be quiet, and try harder. If you are having problems in your marriage, it is your fault. Be more for your husband. Be less you. 

Be less. That's still the message I get. Be everything and be less. And certainly don't be you. Go get counseling. Go get drugs. Go be someone else.