Fear and discouragement would be a better title for this post. I've been in a flare the last several weeks. I might feel good one day, be terribly sick and feverish the next three.
It makes me so very discouraged---mainly from constantly having to try to do everything. I have to try to stay up and awake, try to accomplish minute things in my day such as laundry one day, vacuuming another. I have to try and save energy to leave the house, monitor how I feel, whether my face starts to flush and heat up, a major warning sign that my body has about had it. I have to try and try and try. And I am so very tired of trying. I wish so that I could be like the other near 30s I know, raising children, doing normal housework, driving easily to visit a friend, picking up groceries. I wish that so very much that sometimes seeing others do so makes me sit down and cry.
I remember a few years ago when I first got married, first was a nurse. I didn't feel very good at times then, couldn't keep up with everyone else's energy...but I could at least drive myself if I wanted to go somewhere, worked, played. I felt like I was actually alive. Now that person is all a dream. It's like I died in August 2014, died and someone else entered my body to run it. I am not the same person. I do get to do the biblical research I wanted to do, and I can still read articles. I died in August of 2014...my body just didn't stop working. It shut down 90% and someone else took up residence....
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