My Heart, My Soul Aches

"How long will this take? How much can I go through? My heart, my soul aches, I don't know what to do. I bend but don't break, cuz i have You." 'Carry me Through' by Superchick.

I've been thinking often of running a race. Since it is nearly impossible for me to comfortably run, such a statement is perhaps strange, unexpected. It is not, however, the physical running I am speaking of. 

As you know, or perchance you do not, the people of old, Greeks, Romans, and so on, loved games, and running was one of the favored. Therefore it makes a great analogy for living for God's sake. 

The last five years have been the longest, hardest years of my life. I struggle most every day to be up in a chair rather than in bed, even if my body screams for a bed. Even good days are hard, for I do wake with days in which I know I will be well all, or at least most of, a day...yet it is horrible, a tantalizing curse, showing me what life used to be, what it could have been, what it might, however unlikely, become. Seeing other young adults "living", traveling, working, having and raising a family is torture, making me sit and sob for the family I want, the life I want...yet cannot yet manage, if ever.

My spirit is tired, tired of struggling on, as patiently as possible, waiting for either the end of all races, the end of this race, or the next hurdle in the lineup. I feel as if my muscles are screaming with the burning buildup of lactic acid, my breath rasping in my throat as I struggle for enough air to force another step, my heart thundering in my ears, sweat pouring with drops of blood down my face. 

Yet I am desperate to finish the race well, even if the best I can offer God is the faith I hold with both, clutching hands, I cannot offer a life as a missionary, or a women's speaker, or even much of a nurse. All I can offer is Faith. And don't we get told that isn't enough, or that we feel it isn't enough?

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever." 1 Corinthians 9 NIV

How does one run to win the prize, if they cannot run? Physically, you'd just be out of the race. But since we speak of spiritual running, how can you run the race? What if you are too ill to even see other people? You certainly can't be much of a witness stuck in bed. What if you don't even go online much? You can't be much of a witness then, either. 

The goal, then, has to be one that is equally hard to speaking to people, both those known and those who are strangers, of knowing God, of faith in God. It is one that we MUST have before speaking so to people of faith in God.

You must, dear reader, exercise faith in God....alone, firmly and strongly, whatever it takes to hold faith. . 

Faith is the single most important part of a relationship with Christ. Consider the thief on the cross beside Christ. He was told he would enter Paradise with Christ,(  Lk 23.39-43 NIV) and he obviously wasn't going to be spending the next 20 years as a missionary, not that it isn't wonderful to do so, but we often act as if you are bad and wicked if not "working". Do work! If you are called to something, do! But do not forget the part which is more important, faith! Why work if you haven't faith? By the same token, why have faith if you won't work when called to do so?

What does Scripture say? "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness." Rom 4.3 ( NIV )

36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matt 22.36-40 ( NIV )

Faith, to me, is part of loving God. One can hardly love something or someone they do not believe exists. Faith is our saving hope, what connects us to God. 

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 

8 Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. 2 Tim 4 NIV 7-8 

"...and if I have to crawl, will you crawl too? I stumble and I fall, carry me through. The wonder of it all is You see me through." "carry Me Through", Superchick. 

God will NOT abandon me, and I will NOT abandon Him. We must run the race all the way through, falling over shoelaces, tripping over hurdles, being knocked down by other runners
We must see that God does not leave us to run the race alone. He, by His presence with us, the strength, peace, endurance, shelter, and joy He gives us allows us to manage to run the race. I am exhausted of running, and as such feel like I am running through mud, but He is there, always with me, even when I lose hope. 
We must also help our fellow runners. So often people are running all they can, and with the outreach of a fellow Believer, it becomes easier. Ever run hand in hand with someone? Especially if they are bigger, or in better shape? They pull you along with such ease!
As a warning, though, those lost "believers" not in sound, biblical doctrine can also pull with nearly as much strength, making our race harder in the long run, and making our faith a farce. Be certain of what the Word says, since as you look, you will see the Word agrees with the Word. If it does not, it is not of the Word. God is not changing, so His Word is not changing. 

You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth? Galatians 5 NIV

Watch! Be certain of the Word. 
I look forward beyond all words to the end of the race, which I hope for me and those I know will end up with Christ's second coming, His calling of His Bride to His Father's House. I pray Maranatha!, waiting impatiently to go where my heart and soul have long been calling home. The things of this earth call to us, but which is really better?

So run the good race, dear reader. Run for the Crown, the Crown we then give to Christ in worship, the gift we offer God. Run, with chest heaving, leg muscles screaming, sweat pouring off of you. Run, even if your faith has to be shown by remaining in Him while you lay sick in a bed, or if you work daily in a stressful, anger inducing career, or as a stay at home mama, or a single father, or whatever your life demands of you. Run, knowing He is there, to lend a hand, and run alongside you too...so long as you remember to look to Him, remembering Him. Run, my friend, run. For soon and very soon (Amen!) we all will finish the race, and I want to finish the race very well indeed.