Sobs in the Night

I can't cry with RA. Or, it is not that I cannot, it is that I SHOULD not. If I cry, I will be sicker. I will hurt worse, and will face terrible nausea. Light, sounds and smells become insults added to injury. Voices echo and hurt my body, someone drops something in the house and it is as if they hit me with a hammer. Crying is something to avoid at all costs.
But life gets to be too much. Especially with chronic illness. Especially to a driven, academically inclined soul who would give nearly anything to be at work as a nurse, in school, and with some children floating about in her life. Life just gets to be too much, and the floodgates won't hold back another sob. 
Sobs in the night are common for me. Night is when things look the bleakest, when fears about my health and the future settle in to torment me, delaying the sleep that my aching, fevered body needs. Crying at night saves my family from seeing me break again and having to support me (everyone needs a break from caregiving). So sobs are common in the night. 
This last week and a half has been so difficult. I just don't feel good, every meal is a chance at feeling ten times worse as food is just too much for my body to handle on top of killing of joint and eye cells. I am leading a Bible study video series which is pulling all my energy out leaving me more tired and more ill. Work has been too hard to get to with the added work of a study. So I lost it last night, and cried harder than I have in years. I finally sat on the floor hugging a load of clean laundry that has been sitting for months, not put away because I've been too sick to care whether it was ever put away. I cried and cried and cried, pouring out the misery I have been saving up.  I cried so hard for the things I miss, things I see every day that other young women do with ease. I cried for the dreams that I keep putting aside, figuring to never see them.
The thing is...this is the first time I have ever cried like that, cried so hard that my stomach kept turning over, and felt what I felt. God was with me. I wasn't the sad woman, crying alone on the floor with her not-put-up laundry, refusing to wake her family to witness her woe. I was the sad woman crying on the floor with her laundry NOT alone. God was with me. I was intensely aware of His presence and Spirit as I cried so hard. Normally I feel completely alone, down an empty well even. But He was there, watching me cry, knowing how badly I hurt from all these missing things in my life. He was there, never leaving my side as I mourned these things. He watched the tears fall, the muffled sobs cry out, and He stood watch over me. And it was if He looked at me and said: "These things that are lost are worth it. You cannot see it now, but it is so very worth it. Hold on. Hold on." It was if I got the message out of Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis. Lucy and the others are lost in a nightmare land..and at the darkest moment, Lucy asks Aslan to do something. And his answer was to send a bird with the message "Courage, dear heart."
Nothing was actually said to me. No words actually said, I want that very clear. And I didn't see Him. But He was with me as I cried so very hard. The depth of comfort from Him was more than I have ever had...with a strange...soldierly affect to it. The commanding General, watching a wounded soldier, yet pleased with the efforts of the soldier. The King watching His servant, glad of the efforts put forth--saddened in a way by the distress, but all the same, a leader.
Whether this happened really or my overactive imagination, it all lines up with the Word. . 

25For whoever wants to save their life^f will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. 26What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? 27For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done Mt 16

I sometimes feel as though Satan is dangling a carrot before me. Look, see? If you take this, I will heal you. You can have the life you want. Children, nursing career, education. Every time I say I would do almost anything to be well, it is that which I am cutting off. Never would I bow to him. If I gained my health, my dreams of children, homelife, nursing career, education and lost my soul to darkness, what good would that be? I would be "happy" now, and tormented later. Was Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived happy with his life, his wealth and wishes? No--Ecclesiastes is written with the words "pointless" over and over again.  

Thinking of the fact that Christ is the Commander in Chief, the General, the King, made me think of the 5 crowns that we are given at the end of ages. We are, basically, given honor, medals if you will, for what we did on earth. I can't imagine being worthy enough to have such a thing, but imagine if you will that all the hard things that you go through are worth something. Something is being achieved, even if it is "just" for our own selves.
5 Crowns of Honor
Don't start to think about earning crowns. Somehow, reading the verses and descriptions of the crowns it seems that the crowns are won by actions often unknown. Keeping the faith of God alive against all odds, stepping into an area that makes you uncomfortable but you are driven into going, loving God so much---but doing all these things for the SAKE of God, never the sake of medals and honor. After all, we toss these crowns we earn at God's feet, wanting to give to Him all the glory and honor, and giving the only gift we have: Ourselves.